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How to Win Friends and Influence People Review and Analysis: Part One (Fundamental Techniques in Handling People)
Author: Kenny Ong
Why is Chapter One Important?
Despite the awkwardly named title, Carnegie's first part serves as the foundation for the rest of the book. Many of the later chapters expand upon these principles so not only a re they crucial, I see them as the most important takeaways from the book as a whole.
Without further ado, I will go on to elaborate on each principle and then offer some commentary through both analysis and personal experience.
Principle One: Don’t Criticize, Condemn, or Complain
According to Carnegie, criticizing people only causes them to further cement their previously established beliefs. Instead, we as people should try to look at it from a point of empathy
In order to demonstrate the point, Carnegie describes a situation in which a construction manager tells workers to wear helmets because it’s mandatory. However, doing so is less effective than expressing concern about them being uncomfortable with the hats on, while reminding them of the safety they provide. Although the former approach is more condescending and emphasizes the lack of choice available to the workers, the latter is more kind and demonstrates why it is mutually beneficial.
Principle Two: Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation
Carnegie states that people have an inherent desire to feel important. In other words, people inherently (regardless of whether they like it or not) want to feel validated. As such, it is important to show appreciation for one’s abilities and actions whenever possible. Carnegie even compares such compliments as a "basic necessity".
However, Carnegie distinguishes between compliments and emphasizes that it is important to not confuse appreciation for flattery, there must be a genuine interest. This will be important throughout later parts and principles but keep it is important to keep in mind to avoid surface-level compliments. Without a genuine interest in the lives of others, it becomes to difficult to establish positive relationships with those around you.
Principle Three: Arouse in the Other Person an Eager Want
People and groups are always looking out for their self-interest before anything else. Such is fundamental of human nature. When talking about benefits, always think about its usefulness from the perspective of the other party rather than your personal benefits. In doing so, it makes others more likely to consider you as they’re able to understand what they gain from such a relationship.
Summary and Analysis
Do not criticize, condemn, or complain to those around you. Instead, offer your perspective through an empathetic lens
Give honest and sincere appreciation for the abilities and actions of those around you
Do not confuse appreciation for flattery and instead attempt to avoid surface-level compliments
Understand interactions in regards to the desires of the other parties involved, think about what they benefit from
Carnegie's aggressively named "Fundamental Techniques in Handling People", demonstrates his policy of communicating to others through empathy in order for both parties to come out in a "win-win" scenario. All of these principles relate to theme of empathy in some way whether its in the form of communicating your needs through the other party's well-being or simply offering genuine praise for one's fellow man.
For example, the construction manager puts himself in a win-win situation that benefits both the health of the workers as well as the life of the construction manager. I'm sure many of us can relate to an instance in which we immediately seek to criticize the actions of others without first considering their perspective. By raising concern and then subsequently explaining his perspective, we can look from the construction manager to more effectively enact change in those around us.
Similarly, in regards to principle three, the idea of understanding what the other benefits from can be seen in every relationship, such as a parent and a child in which the parents talk about the potential reward they get for going to the doctor. It is also important for business relationships in which many negotiate in terms of "You get X, we get Y". Lastly, there is the infamous "What's in it for me?" which everyone has heard at least once in their lives as it embodies the idea of self-interest.
Through this basis, Carnegie will build upon the theme of empathy throughout the rest of his book, which I will continue to elaborate in future reviews.
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