Blog Post
11/05/21
Key Takeaways From How to Win Friends and Influence People
Author: Kenny Ong
Why Write About the Key Takeaways?
Consider this as a sort of study guide for "How to Win Friends and Influence People". Although each blog past was already designed to distill the most important information from each section, this will serve as the simplest version!
I've included all the principles on one page, as well as some comments and refreshers on my favorite ideas. However, if you want the short short version, just scroll down to the second half of part three for the underlined principle for Carnegie's one key takeaway!
Takeaways from Part One
Don't Criticize, Condemn, or Complain
The example of the construction manager and his workers' helmets! Expressing concern is often more empathetic and explains why things are mutually beneficial. This is more effective than the lack of choice and condescending tone employed strictly through criticism.
Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation
Individuals inherently seek validation!
Do not confuse appreciation for flattery! Avoid surface-level compliments!
Arouse in the Other Person an Eager Want
Takeaways from Part Two
Become Genuinely Interested in Other People
Smile
The visual equivalent of "compliment rather than criticize"!
Remember That a Person’s Name Is to That Person the Sweetest and Most Important Sound in Any Language
Helps people feel valued and that you care about them specifically!
Be a Good Listener, Encourage Others to Talk About Themselves
Helps others feel included and appreciated,a s well as more willing to share their lives with you
Talk in Terms of the Other Person’s Interests
Make the Other Person Feel Important - And Do It Sincerely
Takeaways from Part Three, First Half
The Only Way to Get the Best of an Argument is to Avoid It
Nobody truly wins an argument! Both situations are losses as the "losing party"'s pride is often hurt, making them feel inferior and potentially less likely to open up in the future.
Show Respect for the Other Person's Opinions. Never Say "You're Wrong"
If You Are Wrong, Admit It Quickly and Empathically
One's personal humility and willingness to "let go" of their ego is universally seen as admirable and often leads to cooperation from those around you
Begin in a Friendly Way
Get the Other Person Saying “Yes, Yes” Immediately
By agreeing on the points that both parties can say "yes" to, it establishes a foundation to build upon and learn, emphasizing cooperation over competition!
Takeaways from Part Three, Second Half
Let the Other Person Do a Great Deal of the Talking
Allows for a welcoming environment, encouraging others to feel heard and important to your life. By contrast, talking solely about yourself makes others feel unwelcome, envious, or even inferior.
“Now, when we have some time to chat, I ask them to share their joys with me, and I only mention my achievements when they ask” (174).
Let the Other Person Feel That the Idea Is His or Hers
Try Honestly to See Things From the Other Person’s Point of View
Carnegie's one key takeaway from his book!
“If, as a result of reading this book, you get only one thing- an increase tendency to think always in terms of the person’s point of view, and see things from that person’s angle as well as your own - if you get only that one thing from this book, it may easily prove to be one of the stepping-stones of your career” (186)
Seeing the rationale or justification or others is oftentimes more important than the opinion itself. By understanding another's perspective, it makes it easier to consider their personal justifications and worldview regardless of whether you think it is right or wrong
Be Sympathetic With the Other Person’s Ideas and Desires
Appeal to the Nobler Motives
Dramatize Your Ideas
Throw Down a Challenge
"This is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win.The desire for a feeling of importance" (212).
Encourages one to seek out the best in themselves through healthy competition, a source for constant motivation!
Takeaways from Part Four
Begin with Praise and Honest Appreciation
To admit one's own shortcomings and mistakes is a big step for any individual. One should welcome this by treating others with empathy and respect.
Call Attention to People’s Mistakes Indirectly
1.) Validate the accomplishments of others: It allows them to feel rewarded and confident in what they have achieved so far
2.) Use "and" rather than "but": The former allows the original compliment to stand on its own yet also implies further confidence in your companion's abilities for the future. Recognizes achievements yet also serves as another source of motivation.
Talk About Your Own Mistakes Before Criticizing the Other Person
Humility invites compassion and good will. Normalizing mistakes as a part of the everyday experience leads to openness and trust from those around us rather than resorting to put downs and criticisms.
Ask Questions Instead of Giving Direct Orders
No one likes to take orders. Asking questions helps people learn from their mistakes, saving their pride while also continuing to give them a sense of important
Let the Other Person Save Face
"Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face" (Carnegie 244).
You’re a jerk if you honestly try to crush somebody’s confidence when they're already trying to fix their issues.
Praise the Slightest Improvement and Praise Every Improvement. Be “Hearty in Your Approbation and Lavish in Your Praise”
People who only criticize people to their faces and avoid compliments are dicks. Don't be a dick
Give the Other Person a Fine Reputation to Live Up To
Expectations encourage motivation as it shows others are valued. It is always important to maintain the principles of trust, cooperation, and respect.
Use Encouragement. Make the Fault Seem Easy to Correct
By letting others know that their goals are both achievable and that others are willing to help themself, it often helps one deal with adversity when they need it the most.
Make the Other Person Happy About Doing the Thing You Suggest
Main Takeaways
Putting people down is doubly bad
Not only does your point get across worse, it’s more likely to cause people to further cement/substantiate their beliefs. Carnegie emphasizes trust, respect, as well as confidence and putting down others (especially when they're willing to admit their own faults) makes you a jerk for the sake of it.
Yo people got egos, this is just to learn to how to interact with that in mutually beneficial ways
Carnegie's book acknowledges two main things: The desire for validation as well as the fact that people have egos. Through this recognition, Carnegie seeks to help one interact with others through empathy which often leads to healthier and happier relationships.
It’s important to remember that most people haven’t read this book because in certain scenarios/principles, it kind of expects a “Acting like X will help you with Y” but that won’t always be true. If you take it as a way to improve your situations in general or most situations, then it’s pretty useful to learn from
To expand on this point, obviously Carnegie's teachings are not fool-proof. Many of this principles expect empathy from one's fellow man but such principles may falter, especially with those who are particularly pessimistic.
Part of this book recognizes it’s just as important to change your mindset as well as your methodology. From the first section of the book, it’s clear that you need to give genuine praise and interest rather than doing so to gain something. If you’re unable to do that, it’s much more difficult to appear authentic and kindhearted.
In conclusion, How to Win Friends and influence People is an important book that will help many in their interactions with others by simply encouraging us as individuals to be kinder humans.
